hello again

For me, the hero's journey is not the voyage from weakness to strength. The true hero's journey is the voyage from strength to weakness. 

-- John Green about The Fault in Our Stars character Augustus Waters

I've been escaping these last four months by reading the Outlander series (adventurous romance, yes, I'm admitting it). Before that I read the Maisie Dobbs series for another four months. They were easy, dependable series books: When I finished one, I could go to the library and pick up the next. The story continued seamlessly, and I could stay immersed.

And then I picked up The Fault in Our Stars at our school's book fair. (Matt shakes his head that I like young adult fiction, but I do.) I finish it in two days, it ends, and I wake up staring at the ceiling, thinking about it and not whatever epic movie we watched right before bed. "Perfect," a critic wrote on its book jacket. I tried telling Matt, but it came out sounding lame. I think it's hard to talk aloud about what moves you; it's much easier to write.

Maybe that's why I've been absent from my blog. What has moved me lately? I work, I work, I do chores, I'm married -- it's existence in this middle-of-the-road okay-good place. I probably take after Daddy in that I'm harder to satisfy, I always want more. I want to be moved, I want highs, I want meaning. There was a time I felt I had that often, and I want it back.

I've been very acutely aware of opportunity costs. I did the prudent thing and kept this stable teaching job for another year, but the cost is time, and that makes me antsy.

As scenic and quaint and talked-up as Brevard is, I haven't been immune from what Jess calls the "small town blues". I've thought about finally joining Facebook as one way to combat my isolation. I told Liz, and she said she hasn't been on in over a year because people only post happy snippets of their life, and she couldn't take it anymore. Blogs allow for more depth, but I also feel pressured to post happy stuff. Hence, not posting, because what I really feel is lonely and uncertain and stuck.

But I'm back because of that book and because I realized Jimmy and Tim from high school do read/have read my blog, so maybe there's a point after all. And I'm finally cough free after being sick and frustrated all of March and April. I shouldn't wallow.

It's been raining, but I looked out the window this morning, and noticed the trees had leaves now (like a switch was turned on or was I just absent?) and how bright, bright green they were.