Snow is swirling outside, but not enough to stick. It's cold out, though, and the ladybugs have taken refuge inside Jess's studio, little red or orange bumps on otherwise perfect white walls. That's where I spend most of my time these days, in her studio, on the computer, I guess the term is "job-hunting".
I took these pictures on a walk up Short Mountain one evening. It IS beautiful here, and every time I come back, I can feel my body relax into the landscape. Jess has made a cozy place for herself here. To me, it's quiet, familiar, always welcoming. I've switched my address over to Kirby and I now have a "Wild and Wonderful" license plate, but you know, I probably won't stay. It's not my place.
Inside, I'm not at peace. There are pressures to put this or that as a priority, to go or stay, to make decisions, to secure my future, to not overstay my welcome, to be happier, to not box myself in, to take care of myself. I have many conflicting desires, too: teach or not? country or city? place or job? the familiar or adventure? to jump or wait? The image that comes to mind is ocean waves crashing into one another. I have never thought the ocean to be peaceful -- more restless since it's always rocking. It fits me right now. And this is all vague, I know, partly because I'm only figuring it out, and partly because I'm a little embarrassed to admit everything that's on my mind. Jess once told me to not follow my heart and not follow my head, but to follow my gut. It's hard to do when the pressures and everyone's opinions are pounding at your door. I thought removing myself would help me find that clarity, but I haven't gotten there yet. Was this what I should have been doing on the trail, the deep questioning everyone's always talking about? But I wasn't unsettled on the trail. On the trail, you trust that things will work out -- and they do. Maybe that's what I'm missing now, and so, all the weight comes bearing down on my own shoulders. I think following your gut has something to do with trusting God and your fate and other people and letting go.
I'll get there soon, I'll find my peace. To everyone that has borne witness to this unrest, thanks for being patient with me. I am truly blessed to be surrounded and uplifted by you.
4 comments:
Lily
You should experience not just think..
You can try to setup a short-term goal and find out what you want from it..
call me, please! 413.441.7785 ... the number i have for you no longer works. would love to talk ...
Hi Lily,
It's Lisa from teacher corps. I have been terrible about keeping in touch (I'm sorry). I kept meaning to write you back, to send you a letter or post card (I did get yours, and thank you).
I'm glad to hear you're safely back from the trail. Although you're not "at peace" as you say, your writing does an excellent job of saying what so many of us feel. I think it's good that you're not pretending to know all the answers, as we tend to do, I think. (That's not advice, just a thought.) There is also something about being unsettled...about creating your life, thinking, taking time, that somehow feels right.
I miss you, and count myself lucky to have met you. When you are stressed out and unsettled...well, remember how many people know you to be a beautiful person (in case it's hard for you to believe it of yourself), of how many people admire you, how many you have touched, how many you've helped just by the way you interact with others...whatever you do will be good. That kind of good is not something you can loose.
Take care, Lily. All the best.
Call me some time if you ever want to talk, or if you ever want a place to stay in the North East. (Upstate New York or in a couple of months, Rhode Island, too.)
601-415-5455.
Love,
Lisa
I don't know that you'll ever find peace. I think there will always be rough patches and uncertainty, impatience and longing for greener pastures, anxiety that you're making bad choices and fear to pick anything . Never feel rushed or pressured into living a specific way. You'll figure out what you want to do when you figure it out, and not a moment sooner. There is no one way to be happy in life, so keep on feeling a little lost, and finding your way as you can.
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